Defining the relationship

Growing up in a home that attended a baptist church, I knew what to do. Memorize my verses, know the Roman road, tell people about Jesus. I was 12 when I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior. I knew that I had to be in church when the doors were open. I knew I had to read the bible. I knew I had to do the right thing. But the one thing I was ever taught was, how God longed to have that intimate and close personal relationship with me. He was so huge in my mind, I didn't think it was necessary. I knew he was watching over me. I prayed every night and before my meals. But deep down inside I felt empty. Till one day, during life group with Pat and Brenda did I feel something come over me. I felt this strong presence as I was told to pray as the spirit moved me. I didn't know that was possible. I thought praying from the heart was enough. As I prayed for my friends, I wasn't assigned to pray for one person in particular. I volunteered to pray for my friends whose burdened moved me. I prayed with such emotion that tears would fall. I would feel their pain and express the words I needed to express as the spirit moved through my heart and mind. It was then I started to see things differently. 

I grew up believing it was important to go to the right church. Through my life group, I had learned it wasn't about religion but relationship. I learned that my Catholic friends had deeper relationship with God than I did at the time. I longed for that type of relationship. I wanted his presence to be a fixture in my life. I started seeking him out in everything I did. I just wanted to be in awe and in worship for him. 

Over the years I have defined my relationship with him like that of a father and of a child. But through my captivating study, I learned he desires more from us. How he loves each of us. With passion and desire, like that of someone who is in a deep relationship. I am amazed of his great love for all of us. Sometimes it can be overwhelming on how I perceive my relationship with him. I struggle to get passed the bad things that happened before. It still causes me to run from going to church. But I return to him always knowing that feeling of something is missing when I don't. 

I worship him with abadon. I praise him wholeheartedly. I pray soulfully. And I long to see his love for me through the beauty that he shares with the sunrise and sunset. He sends me kisses as I gaze out to the mountains as the beauty I see just overwhelms me. It's a deep desire to be in his presence. But it all starts with defining the relationship. I am not a fan of Jesus. But an active participant in this life with him.