I had some insight....amazing

        I used to ask myself why do people who are with someone they supposedly love, cheat on their significant other? I would never dream of doing that to Roland. But this past year has been an struggle with emotions and the lack of desire. When I reflect back to my study with captivating, I realize all these emotions I am experiencing comes from my past. Every woman has the desire to be rescued, to be desired, to be admired, and the desire to feel captivating. 

        My past has so many things lacking or I agreed with the things said to me as I was growing up. I am not pretty enough. I am not skinny enough. No one would desire me. No one would want someone like me. I have made it up by being different and just believing that I don't care what others say. But honestly, it does affect me. When someone starts to show an interest in me, it lights up something inside me. I have come to realize that. I love it that Roland desires me. I love it that Roland finds me captivating. I love it that I play an irreplaceable role in his life. Yet, I find myself wondering. I'll admit I wonder. Would I ever act on that wonder? No, but I didn't understand all these emotions and feelings until today. It was shown to me in a dream. That I still have much work to do with my past. I still need to look at my story and find those areas that I still have an agreement with. I don't like it, but sometimes it's that self reflection is necessary. 

      I am understanding myself more. I just know now, there are some areas in my life that I desire certain things. Now, I realize what I long for are those people who will help build me up, those who will pray for me, those who will help me up when I fall. I can't rely on Roland for all these things. I can't rely on people either. They will all come short and disappointment. I realize more today how much I need Jesus in my life. It's his voice I heard in my sleep. It was him telling me that there are areas I still have a death grip on. I am just so elated that I understand all these weird emotions that I could not even understand. 

The new year so far....

Yesterday at church the message was very clear. I need to make this year the best. I have been struggling with exercise, my weight, my health, my spiritual walk. And who doesn't struggle? But I decided last year to work on my health. Which I have done the whole year. Still not where I'd like to be, but honestly I am healthier and thinner than what I was in the beginning of last year. Now I struggled with my spiritual walk for many years, now is the time I stop. Now I need to do something about it. So even if it's just being consistent in my prayer and worship, and reading small devotionals to start, that is where I will start. Just like this blog. I know it will take 21 days to make a habit. So the next 21 days I am going to just blog. Who knows, it may be meaningful or it could be just random. But as long as I blog and be consistent, I will eventually be writing more meaningful stuff. 

Going to challenge myself to blog every day for 2016

This is going to be somewhat hard. I struggle with working out regularly, eating healthy regularly, heck just trying to wake up. Life is a struggle. But since I prefer breathing and living to the alternative I may as well keep trying to do this thing we call life. 

So yeah, exercise has become a part of my life now. I haven't been feeling well for the last several weeks and allowed my body to adjust to the chiropractic adjustments plus the muscle therapy. Which by the way are awesome. I have decided to go ahead and start my first full week of the year working out and trying to be good about my eating habits. Plus I decided since I am doing that I may as well blog every day too. 

I may not have much to say that is meaningful. But I guess it's better to make this a habit. Then maybe I'll eventually have something really good to write. Other than that, these next several weeks are going to be the longest weeks of my life. Change is coming. Huge changes. I am super excited too. Until I can share it I just have to make sure that I keep busy for the next several weeks. 

Another Day

Today was another day. Another day that I find myself not going to church. It's been, what, about 2 weeks since we went to church. We haven't been consistent due to illnesses. Today was no different. The change in climate really affects the kids, my mom, and myself. I feel broken sometimes. Last weekend was due to being in so much pain that I couldn't get out of bed. Going to see the doctor to see if we can do something about it.

It seems this blog has been about my spiritual journey. I could go on and on about it. But I feel so broken really. Broken physically and broken mentally. Or should I say emotionally drained. It has been a long and difficult year. All the things I have endured along with my family, it has not been easy. I know this patch in my life is to help me become a stronger and better person. Yet sometimes I second guess myself as a person. My insecurities tend to creep up. I am usually a happy person, but lately, I am just tired. I feel like breaking down and just going into that dark place. But I don't allow myself to do that. My kids need me. So I watch sappy movies to help the tears move along or read sad stories. I just really need a long and tight hug. I mean, I love the hugs and kisses I get from my kids. I just need my person to hug me tight and kiss me to make things all better. I am just pretty emotional lately.

Oh I was informed that I could be in the state of perimenopause. Could be why I am also emotional, or why I could be super hot one moment and then super cold the next. I am almost 40. I can't believe that. I am almost 40. I wonder if I will have a mid life crisis? Who knows. I may or may not. At this point in my life, I am very confident in who I am in God, who I am in my relationship, and who I am as an individual. Who knows what I will try and do when I turn 40? Probably I will go take some surfing lesson or go take up karate.

Life

Every day that I wake up, I am very grateful. I am alive and breathing. That is what I usually tell people when I say I am happy. Most often I get, it's better than the alternative. Truly it is. I have three little children who still need me around.

Life can be very complicated since you have relationships with other people. You cannot control them. You can't make them agree with you. You can't make them love you. Life is hard. When I think about the attacks on Paris recently, it reminded me of 9/11. It felt like time stood still as I watched the events unfold. The world now watched the events in Paris and looked to our leader to what will be done with the situation. Honestly, only God knows what will happen next. All of a sudden, people's Facebook profiles are covered with a French flag. Discussions of how people should be thinking or doing have popped up. I decided I didn't need a flag. I sent a prayer up for those who were directly affected and for the families of those who passed. But my faith still remains.

Why does God allow bad things to happen? I honestly believe it is because of free will. God didn't interfere with the situation in the garden. He allowed Adam and Eve to decide their fate. But he still intervened by sending his only son to die on the cross for us. But if you think about it, sin entered the world through Adam. Back then, the world was perfect. It said so in the Bible. But as years went on, sin started corrupting everything. Hence, the wars, famine, drought, etc...it affected everyone. Basically we are reaping what Adam sowed back in the garden when he fell from grace. God could have stopped the situation, but what would that have accomplished. We are living in the time where he is finding out who belongs to him. How firm is their resolve and how strong do they hold onto their faith. God is good, he is merciful, he is bigger than any problem or situation. But his picture for our life is bigger than we are. We are only offered a glimpse. I am grateful for the life that I have. People go through different things. It may look not that hard to others, but to the person experiencing the situation it can be the most difficult thing in the world. He does this to see how faithful we are. Do we run to him and ask him to lend his strength to us? Or do we brush him aside and tell him we can do it? Do we pray because we need his peace and comfort? Or do we just ignore him and find peace and comfort in something else?

God allows things to happen for a reason. Sometimes his reason doesn't align with ours. That is okay too. Things will continue to happen and that is because they have to happen.

 You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come. Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in various places. All these are the beginning of birth pains.
"Then you will be handed over to be persecuted and put to death, and you will be hated by all nations because of me. At that time many will turn away from the faith and will betray and hate each other,
and many false prophets will appear and deceive many people.
Because of the increase of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold,
 but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved.
And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come.
Matthew 24:6-14 New International Version

Defining the relationship

Growing up in a home that attended a baptist church, I knew what to do. Memorize my verses, know the Roman road, tell people about Jesus. I was 12 when I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior. I knew that I had to be in church when the doors were open. I knew I had to read the bible. I knew I had to do the right thing. But the one thing I was ever taught was, how God longed to have that intimate and close personal relationship with me. He was so huge in my mind, I didn't think it was necessary. I knew he was watching over me. I prayed every night and before my meals. But deep down inside I felt empty. Till one day, during life group with Pat and Brenda did I feel something come over me. I felt this strong presence as I was told to pray as the spirit moved me. I didn't know that was possible. I thought praying from the heart was enough. As I prayed for my friends, I wasn't assigned to pray for one person in particular. I volunteered to pray for my friends whose burdened moved me. I prayed with such emotion that tears would fall. I would feel their pain and express the words I needed to express as the spirit moved through my heart and mind. It was then I started to see things differently. 

I grew up believing it was important to go to the right church. Through my life group, I had learned it wasn't about religion but relationship. I learned that my Catholic friends had deeper relationship with God than I did at the time. I longed for that type of relationship. I wanted his presence to be a fixture in my life. I started seeking him out in everything I did. I just wanted to be in awe and in worship for him. 

Over the years I have defined my relationship with him like that of a father and of a child. But through my captivating study, I learned he desires more from us. How he loves each of us. With passion and desire, like that of someone who is in a deep relationship. I am amazed of his great love for all of us. Sometimes it can be overwhelming on how I perceive my relationship with him. I struggle to get passed the bad things that happened before. It still causes me to run from going to church. But I return to him always knowing that feeling of something is missing when I don't. 

I worship him with abadon. I praise him wholeheartedly. I pray soulfully. And I long to see his love for me through the beauty that he shares with the sunrise and sunset. He sends me kisses as I gaze out to the mountains as the beauty I see just overwhelms me. It's a deep desire to be in his presence. But it all starts with defining the relationship. I am not a fan of Jesus. But an active participant in this life with him.

My Past is a Part of Who I am....

Learning to accept my past has been difficult. It is a part of who I am, but it doesn't make up my whole story. It's just another chapter in my life that I can go back to and remember. This helps me to try not to make the same mistakes again and again. My friends know my story with Roland. They know it was a struggle in the beginning. Quite honestly, I love Roland more now than I did then. I don't know if that's even possible because I loved him very much before we married. We met when I was 14 years old. We didn't develop a friendship until I was 16. I'll be honest, I won't share the details about my early years just yet. I am still learning to deal with them. Anyways, I was 17 when our friendship moved into a relationship. It was because of our relationship that the elders at the church I was attending decided that it was wrong. To put it in their own words, I am going to be unequally yolked because he is Catholic and I am Baptist. If I were to go back to all their teachings, they have such dislike, almost to the point of hate towards Catholics. I was a very impressionable teenager. Since my parents were no longer attending the church, I just stopped.

My relationship with Roland would be a rocky one at best, for the next several years before we decided to get married. We weren't even dating at the time we got engaged. I had stuff to work through and so did he. The one thing that brought us back together was we started attending life group with our friends Pat and Brenda Mizuta. I fondly go back to those Wednesday evenings as we learned more about Jesus and his love for us. Eventually we started attending their church. I would go with Roland on Saturday to Mass and then on Sundays we'd go to New Covenant Life Church. The church is non denominational. It all started to become clear as I worked through my messy past. It is where I learned to grow in my walk. I started to listen more to Holy Spirit as it moved through me. And I started to see how people perceived me as a person. Christians are the most judgmental people in the world. I know this first hand. Because I was constantly judged for being in the wrong church, listening to the wrong music. Reading the wrong books and watching the wrong movies. Mind you it isn't even porn we are talking here. Harry Potter was a huge thing and it was considered evil. Heck,I never told them I play Dungeons and Dragons. Otherwise I would have been branded as a devil worshiper.

My point is God takes us for who we are. Broken, mangled, sinful, whatever your story reads. And that is where I am right now. My story was never clean. It may look like it but it isn't. I had endure a lot of crap and flack. The chains that held me, the bondage to my past, it kept me from being who i am supposed to be in Christ. I am still learning to not be a fan of Jesus, but to be involved in him richly. I think writing a blog every day or trying to helps me stay on track. I am hoping to do this daily. Anyways, it's a hard life to live with Christ, but he is always there holding me and guiding me to what benefits me the best. I just know he loves me regardless of how clean I am or not. My past is what created the foundation of my future. It does not define me and neither should your past define you.