I had some insight....amazing

        I used to ask myself why do people who are with someone they supposedly love, cheat on their significant other? I would never dream of doing that to Roland. But this past year has been an struggle with emotions and the lack of desire. When I reflect back to my study with captivating, I realize all these emotions I am experiencing comes from my past. Every woman has the desire to be rescued, to be desired, to be admired, and the desire to feel captivating. 

        My past has so many things lacking or I agreed with the things said to me as I was growing up. I am not pretty enough. I am not skinny enough. No one would desire me. No one would want someone like me. I have made it up by being different and just believing that I don't care what others say. But honestly, it does affect me. When someone starts to show an interest in me, it lights up something inside me. I have come to realize that. I love it that Roland desires me. I love it that Roland finds me captivating. I love it that I play an irreplaceable role in his life. Yet, I find myself wondering. I'll admit I wonder. Would I ever act on that wonder? No, but I didn't understand all these emotions and feelings until today. It was shown to me in a dream. That I still have much work to do with my past. I still need to look at my story and find those areas that I still have an agreement with. I don't like it, but sometimes it's that self reflection is necessary. 

      I am understanding myself more. I just know now, there are some areas in my life that I desire certain things. Now, I realize what I long for are those people who will help build me up, those who will pray for me, those who will help me up when I fall. I can't rely on Roland for all these things. I can't rely on people either. They will all come short and disappointment. I realize more today how much I need Jesus in my life. It's his voice I heard in my sleep. It was him telling me that there are areas I still have a death grip on. I am just so elated that I understand all these weird emotions that I could not even understand. 

The new year so far....

Yesterday at church the message was very clear. I need to make this year the best. I have been struggling with exercise, my weight, my health, my spiritual walk. And who doesn't struggle? But I decided last year to work on my health. Which I have done the whole year. Still not where I'd like to be, but honestly I am healthier and thinner than what I was in the beginning of last year. Now I struggled with my spiritual walk for many years, now is the time I stop. Now I need to do something about it. So even if it's just being consistent in my prayer and worship, and reading small devotionals to start, that is where I will start. Just like this blog. I know it will take 21 days to make a habit. So the next 21 days I am going to just blog. Who knows, it may be meaningful or it could be just random. But as long as I blog and be consistent, I will eventually be writing more meaningful stuff. 

Going to challenge myself to blog every day for 2016

This is going to be somewhat hard. I struggle with working out regularly, eating healthy regularly, heck just trying to wake up. Life is a struggle. But since I prefer breathing and living to the alternative I may as well keep trying to do this thing we call life. 

So yeah, exercise has become a part of my life now. I haven't been feeling well for the last several weeks and allowed my body to adjust to the chiropractic adjustments plus the muscle therapy. Which by the way are awesome. I have decided to go ahead and start my first full week of the year working out and trying to be good about my eating habits. Plus I decided since I am doing that I may as well blog every day too. 

I may not have much to say that is meaningful. But I guess it's better to make this a habit. Then maybe I'll eventually have something really good to write. Other than that, these next several weeks are going to be the longest weeks of my life. Change is coming. Huge changes. I am super excited too. Until I can share it I just have to make sure that I keep busy for the next several weeks.