Another Day

Today was another day. Another day that I find myself not going to church. It's been, what, about 2 weeks since we went to church. We haven't been consistent due to illnesses. Today was no different. The change in climate really affects the kids, my mom, and myself. I feel broken sometimes. Last weekend was due to being in so much pain that I couldn't get out of bed. Going to see the doctor to see if we can do something about it.

It seems this blog has been about my spiritual journey. I could go on and on about it. But I feel so broken really. Broken physically and broken mentally. Or should I say emotionally drained. It has been a long and difficult year. All the things I have endured along with my family, it has not been easy. I know this patch in my life is to help me become a stronger and better person. Yet sometimes I second guess myself as a person. My insecurities tend to creep up. I am usually a happy person, but lately, I am just tired. I feel like breaking down and just going into that dark place. But I don't allow myself to do that. My kids need me. So I watch sappy movies to help the tears move along or read sad stories. I just really need a long and tight hug. I mean, I love the hugs and kisses I get from my kids. I just need my person to hug me tight and kiss me to make things all better. I am just pretty emotional lately.

Oh I was informed that I could be in the state of perimenopause. Could be why I am also emotional, or why I could be super hot one moment and then super cold the next. I am almost 40. I can't believe that. I am almost 40. I wonder if I will have a mid life crisis? Who knows. I may or may not. At this point in my life, I am very confident in who I am in God, who I am in my relationship, and who I am as an individual. Who knows what I will try and do when I turn 40? Probably I will go take some surfing lesson or go take up karate.

Life

Every day that I wake up, I am very grateful. I am alive and breathing. That is what I usually tell people when I say I am happy. Most often I get, it's better than the alternative. Truly it is. I have three little children who still need me around.

Life can be very complicated since you have relationships with other people. You cannot control them. You can't make them agree with you. You can't make them love you. Life is hard. When I think about the attacks on Paris recently, it reminded me of 9/11. It felt like time stood still as I watched the events unfold. The world now watched the events in Paris and looked to our leader to what will be done with the situation. Honestly, only God knows what will happen next. All of a sudden, people's Facebook profiles are covered with a French flag. Discussions of how people should be thinking or doing have popped up. I decided I didn't need a flag. I sent a prayer up for those who were directly affected and for the families of those who passed. But my faith still remains.

Why does God allow bad things to happen? I honestly believe it is because of free will. God didn't interfere with the situation in the garden. He allowed Adam and Eve to decide their fate. But he still intervened by sending his only son to die on the cross for us. But if you think about it, sin entered the world through Adam. Back then, the world was perfect. It said so in the Bible. But as years went on, sin started corrupting everything. Hence, the wars, famine, drought, etc...it affected everyone. Basically we are reaping what Adam sowed back in the garden when he fell from grace. God could have stopped the situation, but what would that have accomplished. We are living in the time where he is finding out who belongs to him. How firm is their resolve and how strong do they hold onto their faith. God is good, he is merciful, he is bigger than any problem or situation. But his picture for our life is bigger than we are. We are only offered a glimpse. I am grateful for the life that I have. People go through different things. It may look not that hard to others, but to the person experiencing the situation it can be the most difficult thing in the world. He does this to see how faithful we are. Do we run to him and ask him to lend his strength to us? Or do we brush him aside and tell him we can do it? Do we pray because we need his peace and comfort? Or do we just ignore him and find peace and comfort in something else?

God allows things to happen for a reason. Sometimes his reason doesn't align with ours. That is okay too. Things will continue to happen and that is because they have to happen.

 You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come. Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in various places. All these are the beginning of birth pains.
"Then you will be handed over to be persecuted and put to death, and you will be hated by all nations because of me. At that time many will turn away from the faith and will betray and hate each other,
and many false prophets will appear and deceive many people.
Because of the increase of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold,
 but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved.
And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come.
Matthew 24:6-14 New International Version

Defining the relationship

Growing up in a home that attended a baptist church, I knew what to do. Memorize my verses, know the Roman road, tell people about Jesus. I was 12 when I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior. I knew that I had to be in church when the doors were open. I knew I had to read the bible. I knew I had to do the right thing. But the one thing I was ever taught was, how God longed to have that intimate and close personal relationship with me. He was so huge in my mind, I didn't think it was necessary. I knew he was watching over me. I prayed every night and before my meals. But deep down inside I felt empty. Till one day, during life group with Pat and Brenda did I feel something come over me. I felt this strong presence as I was told to pray as the spirit moved me. I didn't know that was possible. I thought praying from the heart was enough. As I prayed for my friends, I wasn't assigned to pray for one person in particular. I volunteered to pray for my friends whose burdened moved me. I prayed with such emotion that tears would fall. I would feel their pain and express the words I needed to express as the spirit moved through my heart and mind. It was then I started to see things differently. 

I grew up believing it was important to go to the right church. Through my life group, I had learned it wasn't about religion but relationship. I learned that my Catholic friends had deeper relationship with God than I did at the time. I longed for that type of relationship. I wanted his presence to be a fixture in my life. I started seeking him out in everything I did. I just wanted to be in awe and in worship for him. 

Over the years I have defined my relationship with him like that of a father and of a child. But through my captivating study, I learned he desires more from us. How he loves each of us. With passion and desire, like that of someone who is in a deep relationship. I am amazed of his great love for all of us. Sometimes it can be overwhelming on how I perceive my relationship with him. I struggle to get passed the bad things that happened before. It still causes me to run from going to church. But I return to him always knowing that feeling of something is missing when I don't. 

I worship him with abadon. I praise him wholeheartedly. I pray soulfully. And I long to see his love for me through the beauty that he shares with the sunrise and sunset. He sends me kisses as I gaze out to the mountains as the beauty I see just overwhelms me. It's a deep desire to be in his presence. But it all starts with defining the relationship. I am not a fan of Jesus. But an active participant in this life with him.

My Past is a Part of Who I am....

Learning to accept my past has been difficult. It is a part of who I am, but it doesn't make up my whole story. It's just another chapter in my life that I can go back to and remember. This helps me to try not to make the same mistakes again and again. My friends know my story with Roland. They know it was a struggle in the beginning. Quite honestly, I love Roland more now than I did then. I don't know if that's even possible because I loved him very much before we married. We met when I was 14 years old. We didn't develop a friendship until I was 16. I'll be honest, I won't share the details about my early years just yet. I am still learning to deal with them. Anyways, I was 17 when our friendship moved into a relationship. It was because of our relationship that the elders at the church I was attending decided that it was wrong. To put it in their own words, I am going to be unequally yolked because he is Catholic and I am Baptist. If I were to go back to all their teachings, they have such dislike, almost to the point of hate towards Catholics. I was a very impressionable teenager. Since my parents were no longer attending the church, I just stopped.

My relationship with Roland would be a rocky one at best, for the next several years before we decided to get married. We weren't even dating at the time we got engaged. I had stuff to work through and so did he. The one thing that brought us back together was we started attending life group with our friends Pat and Brenda Mizuta. I fondly go back to those Wednesday evenings as we learned more about Jesus and his love for us. Eventually we started attending their church. I would go with Roland on Saturday to Mass and then on Sundays we'd go to New Covenant Life Church. The church is non denominational. It all started to become clear as I worked through my messy past. It is where I learned to grow in my walk. I started to listen more to Holy Spirit as it moved through me. And I started to see how people perceived me as a person. Christians are the most judgmental people in the world. I know this first hand. Because I was constantly judged for being in the wrong church, listening to the wrong music. Reading the wrong books and watching the wrong movies. Mind you it isn't even porn we are talking here. Harry Potter was a huge thing and it was considered evil. Heck,I never told them I play Dungeons and Dragons. Otherwise I would have been branded as a devil worshiper.

My point is God takes us for who we are. Broken, mangled, sinful, whatever your story reads. And that is where I am right now. My story was never clean. It may look like it but it isn't. I had endure a lot of crap and flack. The chains that held me, the bondage to my past, it kept me from being who i am supposed to be in Christ. I am still learning to not be a fan of Jesus, but to be involved in him richly. I think writing a blog every day or trying to helps me stay on track. I am hoping to do this daily. Anyways, it's a hard life to live with Christ, but he is always there holding me and guiding me to what benefits me the best. I just know he loves me regardless of how clean I am or not. My past is what created the foundation of my future. It does not define me and neither should your past define you.

My spiritual journey is difficult....

It's been a long and difficult road for me when it comes to my faith and my spirituality. There were lots of road blocks that I used as an excuse. But today at church I realized that through all those struggles, God still loved me. He loved me then and loves me still. He desires an intimate and close relationship that is only between the two of us. 

It has helped working through captivating, through the life group that brought me back to Jesus, through finding a church that speaks God's message. That he wants us no matter what. No matter how broken and bleeding we are. No matter how many times we failed him and sinned over and over again. He wants us to come back to him. The message today about life being a constant battle we must fight because the enemy wants us to be empty inside. But God has won that victory and has given that and more, yet we choose to live a life that places us as a spectator not as a player.

I started reading Not a Fan by Kyle Idleman and things are staring to fall into place in my head. The love that Jesus has for us is very intimate and he desires that from us as well. To be in that type of relationship with someone who knows all about us and still loves us, shouldn't that make the decision to seek him more easy? I struggle every day with everything. It is a constant battle to do the right thing, to say the right thing, to be honest, to tell the truth, to be in love, to exercise, to choose God above everything else. But as I continue to grow and learn, I am finding the small blessings he has given to me. I used to be embarrassed when I cried as I prayed because people couldn't understand why I would cry. I have learned to embrace the fact that I can be extremely sensitive. I have been told I am a little too sensitive. But I understand not everyone is like me and that is what makes me different. In my prayers, in the songs I sing, and in these moments, I find that God enjoys how much I want him to be in the center of all my struggles. How I long for him to be the one I run to when I am happy and when I am not. He lives in my tears and my heart felt cries of my desires and aches as I pray. He smiles when I sing praises to him and he blesses me with kisses from the sunrise to the sunset.

I long for that intimacy with him. I will continue to strive and fight to be living in that moment with him and experience life with him. 

It seems I keep doing this....

I have been debating on whether or not I should blog. But I have decided I am going to blog for the next 30 days on my health and my life as a whole. I think I owe it to myself to put things into writing. It will help keep me accountable. 

So even if this is just a short blog I will start today. I need to make this into a habit since I have a lot to say.