My spiritual journey is difficult....

It's been a long and difficult road for me when it comes to my faith and my spirituality. There were lots of road blocks that I used as an excuse. But today at church I realized that through all those struggles, God still loved me. He loved me then and loves me still. He desires an intimate and close relationship that is only between the two of us. 

It has helped working through captivating, through the life group that brought me back to Jesus, through finding a church that speaks God's message. That he wants us no matter what. No matter how broken and bleeding we are. No matter how many times we failed him and sinned over and over again. He wants us to come back to him. The message today about life being a constant battle we must fight because the enemy wants us to be empty inside. But God has won that victory and has given that and more, yet we choose to live a life that places us as a spectator not as a player.

I started reading Not a Fan by Kyle Idleman and things are staring to fall into place in my head. The love that Jesus has for us is very intimate and he desires that from us as well. To be in that type of relationship with someone who knows all about us and still loves us, shouldn't that make the decision to seek him more easy? I struggle every day with everything. It is a constant battle to do the right thing, to say the right thing, to be honest, to tell the truth, to be in love, to exercise, to choose God above everything else. But as I continue to grow and learn, I am finding the small blessings he has given to me. I used to be embarrassed when I cried as I prayed because people couldn't understand why I would cry. I have learned to embrace the fact that I can be extremely sensitive. I have been told I am a little too sensitive. But I understand not everyone is like me and that is what makes me different. In my prayers, in the songs I sing, and in these moments, I find that God enjoys how much I want him to be in the center of all my struggles. How I long for him to be the one I run to when I am happy and when I am not. He lives in my tears and my heart felt cries of my desires and aches as I pray. He smiles when I sing praises to him and he blesses me with kisses from the sunrise to the sunset.

I long for that intimacy with him. I will continue to strive and fight to be living in that moment with him and experience life with him.