I had some insight....amazing

        I used to ask myself why do people who are with someone they supposedly love, cheat on their significant other? I would never dream of doing that to Roland. But this past year has been an struggle with emotions and the lack of desire. When I reflect back to my study with captivating, I realize all these emotions I am experiencing comes from my past. Every woman has the desire to be rescued, to be desired, to be admired, and the desire to feel captivating. 

        My past has so many things lacking or I agreed with the things said to me as I was growing up. I am not pretty enough. I am not skinny enough. No one would desire me. No one would want someone like me. I have made it up by being different and just believing that I don't care what others say. But honestly, it does affect me. When someone starts to show an interest in me, it lights up something inside me. I have come to realize that. I love it that Roland desires me. I love it that Roland finds me captivating. I love it that I play an irreplaceable role in his life. Yet, I find myself wondering. I'll admit I wonder. Would I ever act on that wonder? No, but I didn't understand all these emotions and feelings until today. It was shown to me in a dream. That I still have much work to do with my past. I still need to look at my story and find those areas that I still have an agreement with. I don't like it, but sometimes it's that self reflection is necessary. 

      I am understanding myself more. I just know now, there are some areas in my life that I desire certain things. Now, I realize what I long for are those people who will help build me up, those who will pray for me, those who will help me up when I fall. I can't rely on Roland for all these things. I can't rely on people either. They will all come short and disappointment. I realize more today how much I need Jesus in my life. It's his voice I heard in my sleep. It was him telling me that there are areas I still have a death grip on. I am just so elated that I understand all these weird emotions that I could not even understand.